Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
