allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
