she was so not down for the gang bang
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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