P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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