So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize