They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
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