I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
