There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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