I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
