$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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