I should be sponsored by Trojan
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
