dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize