I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
