Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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