ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
