I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize