walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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