I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
