I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
