when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
