Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Randomize
