Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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