Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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