my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
