3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
