just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
