I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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