Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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