i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
