What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
