I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
is wine microwaveable?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
