so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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