Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
