enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
