Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
