Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
