haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just want to make out with him forever
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
