when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
