i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
