I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
