I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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