You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
