were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
