at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
