frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
