So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Everyone says I win the strip club
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
