Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
