I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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