I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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