What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
