ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
