the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize