am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
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