Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
