You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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