I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Randomize
