And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
