wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
