like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
