Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
