and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
