they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
