I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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