I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
